Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
