youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
