Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
