Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
