you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
