True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize