My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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