saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
