just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
