Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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