o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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