I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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