Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
