my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
