I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
