After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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