Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
