Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
