I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
