Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
