Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
