We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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