there's paper in my vomit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
