White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
