Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
