New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
