So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
