dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
