Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
