they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
