Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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