My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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