News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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