Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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