I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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