I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
