mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
