That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
