I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
