Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
