Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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