he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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