The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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