Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
being pregnant is like rehab
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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