Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
