mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She told me I should be a condom model.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
