is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
