people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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