I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
