every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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