I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
