I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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