The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
