there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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