Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
