"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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