I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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