Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
