I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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