I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
