It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
