I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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